Security follies

People I kid you not, these are two DIRECT quotes from yesterday (I cannot emphasize enough that I am not paraphrasing):

Approximately 7:00am: Watching the today show while straightening my hair in my underwear when I see an FBI representative responding to Meredith Vieira's poignant question of what exactly happened to the man whom the nation watched "suspiciously" changing his shirt in Times Square, stuffing it in a rolly bag, and rolling off screen to God only knows where. To which the FBI agent replies (which can only be represented in all caps, as most law enforcement officials suffer from some degree of voice immodulation disorder): THE MAN CAUGHT ON CAMERA SUSPICIOUSLY CHANGING HIS SHIRT IN TIMES SQUARE HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ATTEMPTED BOMBING IN NEW YORK CITY. WHILE AT FIRST HE WAS OUR ONLY LEAD, WE ARE NO LONGER PURSUING HIM AT THIS TIME. GOOD DAY.

(on a side note I would like to point the reader to the legitimately arrested terrorist and his problem of over-sharing with the authorities, i.e., how he's depressed since being foreclosed upon, accidentally foiled his own getaway car plan by forgetting the keys, all of this after having been read his frigging Miranda rights)

Approximately 11:30am: I receive the following chain of emails from my mother, who has forwarded them to me from the principal at her school:

First email (to all staff of THS):
We have a report of a strange man in black pants, green shirt, and a big backpack pacing in front of the school, walked in the double gates and back out. Contacted law enforcement, have since heard he walked on downtown, but we will stay in lockdown as a safety precaution and drill until I further notify you. Please assure your students everything is safe.

Second email (to all staff of THS):
The stranger that we went into lock down for has left town. Deputy CJ talked to him earlier this morning, but has talked to again. He is visiting from the United Kingdom and hiking and touring the US. He has covered the east coast and is now headed to Gainesville. All is well….Thank you for all your assistance while we were in lock down this morning.

(on a side note I would venture to say that none of the students at THS would ever see the light of day if THS were located in my neighborhood of downtown DC)

Seriously y'all. You just can't make this shiz UP.